Survivor: South Pacific Episode 7 Running Diary

Another Wednesday, another night of Survivor: South Pacific. No long Jeff Probst advertisement or TV shows to recommend this week. Let's get to it!

7:04 - Whoa, this episode gets straight to business as this week's duel starts early. Could a merge happen already? Maybe. Catherine and Mikayla are about to go at it. I'm rooting for Mikayla but if it requires any kind of intellect, she's not going to make it. Maybe I'm being shallow, but I just don't think models are that bright. There's something about people who wear skimpy clothing in front of total strangers that screams "Low IQ", "I was abused as a child", or "I'll do anything for money".

7:06 - Christine looks like a German lady from Munich with her gray socks and sandals. I bet she makes a great schnitzel. I'm also certain that her middle name is Christine and her first name is actually Heidi and she cross country skis and plays an accordion in her spare time.

7:07 - And Christine wins in a surprisingly close competition. Mikayla, whose hotness has disappointingly slipped will now disappear into obscurity as just another pretty face in Survivor lore. In fact, I'm already starting to forget what she looks like. Aside from Pavarti and Amanda, has any attractive female Survivor ever made a lasting impression?

7:07-7:12 - If there's one thing CBS knows how to do it's pimp the hell out of themselves. I swear I just watched commercials for 27 CBS programs (20 of them were CSIs) during the break. I guess no one is buying ad time during Survivor anymore.

7:14 - Ozzy and Count Cochrane (tell me he doesn't look silly with his collar up like a 1980s Anthony Michael Hall) talk strategy and are considering the possibility of sending the Ozman into exile to knock out Christine and keep the numbers of each tribe even going into a merge. This could be the stupidest Survivor move I've ever heard of, right after Lexx trusting Boston Rob in Survivor All-Stars.

If I'm Ozzy I PRAY she wins out, that way I can swing her to me. Somebody had to have seen her flip her ex-tribemates off. Why would anyone think that someone who got voted out would want to go back to their own tribe?!!? If Coach said this, it would sort of be a clever play because Christine seems hell bent on revenge. But for Ozzy to propose this is flat out stupid.

7:15 - Panoramic shot of Coach praying to his "father". I GUARANTEE you he does this just for show. Oh wait, someone in editing just threw in an eagle cry. No freaking joke. When will we get a "Waa waa waa" for Brandon when he says something stupid?

7:17 - I have a problem with Coach leading his tribe on a useless search for an idol he already has. It's just poor form. If people want to look for it, fine. But to make up some prayer and BS to build up fake team unity just seems wrong.

7:19 - Odd tree mail exchange where Coach and Sophie learn about dressing up for the challenge and for some strange reason decide its time to announce that they have the idol, as if its community property. When, in the history of Survivor, has it ever been a good idea to let everyone know you have it? And naive Brandon believes God had something to so with it. I'd be shocked if he doesn't stab Coach in the neck during the reunion show for pulling the wool over his eyes in such a malicious way.

7:20 - Says Brandon, "Its definitely an advantage having the man upstairs on your tribe". Either he's talking about Mark Burnett or God. Sign #37 that Brandon is crazy, he believes God gives a crap about a reality TV show. I'm pretty sure he's got slightly bigger problems to work out - like fulfilling my request for an iPad 2 and a Gran Torino with a Starsky & Hutch paint job. Both those things are hard to find.

7:22 - Immunity/Reward Challenge! Shameless plug from some lame Adam Sandler movie. Looks like blindfolds are involved, which usually leads to some funny shots of people running into things. I don't really mind product placement in Survivor. In all honesty, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often.

Insert your own joke here. 

7:25 - Coach breaks into prayer during the challenge. He's turning into the Survivor version of Tim Tebow.

7:27 - And Coach's tribe wins, followed by Coach leading the tribe in a group prayer. Come on! I have to agree with what Sophie said earlier. All this religiousness by Coach rings completely hollow. When did he find Jesus? When he was searching for the hidden immunity idol?

7:29 - Ozzy melts down after being probed by Probst post challenge. He's pissed and is throwing the blame entirely on Cochran's shoulders. Probsts running commentary during the challenge didn't help, but it's hard to blame this all on Cochran. It's a pretty safe bet at this point that the whole "send Ozzy to Redemption Island to knock out Christine" plan is out the window. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.

7:34 - Coach and his tribe at reward watching Adam Sandler's Jack & Jill. Sandler in drag AND Katie Holmes? No thank you. Maybe in 1999 I'd be interested but not now.

7:37 - Ozzy will not let go of putting all the blame on Cochrane and is coming off like a complete douche. Then, after talking everyone else into the idea, Ozzy proceeds to pump Cochran's ego up about how well he will do against Christine at Redemption.

WTF?!? How did we end up here?!? Granted, part of this is Cochran's own fault, he should have had enough backbone to stand up to Ozzy and called him out on his own idea for going into RI himself. Why take any crap from someone who has turned out to be emotionally unstable? That said, I have to give credit to the Ozster for completely messing with Cochrane's mind and avoiding ANY kind of blame or responsibility himself. It was somewhat clever how he pulled it off, albeit in a conniving, psychotic, I've-completely-lost-all-respect-for-you kind of way.

7:43 - Okay, Ozzy is clearly off his crazy pills. After having some weird dreams Ozzy shows everyone his idol and throws out the idea that HE should be the one to be sent to Redemption to knock Christine out. WHAT A FRICKIN IDIOT! Depending on how this turns out, Ozzy runs the risk of turning into the stupidest Survivor in history. It makes no sense to make this move. Ozzy has no game, lacks the ability to think strategically, and is just an overall crappy player. Either he wants to be the hero, or he wants everyone on his tribe (except Cochran) to show how badly they need him by not voting him out. If it was me? I'd send him to Redemption. This is a complete Drama King move. Give him what he thinks he wants.

7:47 - Tribal council time!

7:49 - Ozzy talks about his dream and proceeds to tell some convoluted story about why it completely makes sense for him to be voted out. Probst brilliantly counters with "Let me offer another argument. If you don't win the duel tomorrow, you go out a bigger fool than you did last time." This is why I love Jeff Probst. He throws stuff out there that the malnutritioned, sunbaked, slightly out of their minds contestants don't really think about. It's like he's talking to a bunch of drunk people who seriously think it's a good idea to jump off the fourth floor of a hotel balcony into the swimming pool below. You never, EVER, voluntarily ask to leave the game. Under any circumstances.

7:51 - Time to vote! I hope Ozzy goes, but I think his much more rational tribemates prevent it.

7:53 - And Ozzy gets voted out. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID.

Final Thoughts - Okay, let's examine Ozzy's move. At best, he defeats Christine, beats whoever else comes into Redemption (if anyone) and makes it back into the game with his tribe at a merge with even numbers. It turns into a fascinating plot point for this season but one that didn't necessarily have to happen because it's not clear that Christine would have gone back to her old tribe. In fact, it appears that she'd be more than ready to flip. Worst case scenario for Ozzy's tribe - Christine knocks out Ozzy, rejoins her tribe, Coach Jedi mind tricks her into joining his growing cult, and they wipe out Ozzy's old tribe. Worst case scenario that makes Ozzy look like a complete idiot - Christine knocks out Ozzy, joins his tribe because she hates Coach with a passion usually only reserved for ex-spouses, and she ends up losing to Cochrane in the final. Even in a best case scenario, this doesn't really turn out that well for Ozzy...Isn't it funny how over the course of the show how some people become MORE attractive? Dawn is looking cuter every episode. Just sayin!... Cochrane's luck is proof that sometimes all you have to do is be patient. People on this show constantly screw themselves over without any help from anyone else. Ozzy is the most recent obvious example.

Survivor: South Pacific Episode 6 Running Diary

Another Wednesday, another episode of Survivor: South Pacific. Before we get to this week's rundown, I have a comment about Jeff Probst.

I love the Probster. As TV hosts go, he seems like a regular guy. He's not a pretty boy metrosexual like Ryan Seacrest and he's not some space cadet like TJ Lavin. The dude actually adds something to the show, which is one of the reasons why I wish tribal councils got more air time, or that they'd at least have the entire tribal on cbs.com.

My point is, if you'd really like to get the most out of Survivor, you need more Probst. Follow him on Twitter as he Tweets during the show, even check out his stuff on Tout. For some people it may be Survivor overload. I'm not recommending you read every Tweet and watch every Tout video, but it does give viewers who really want to get a peek behind the curtain a better peek.

Okay, enough slobbering on the guy in the blue shirt. Let's get this thing started.

7:01 - Back at the beach after tribal council and Ozzy is bent that Elyse got blindsided. Overly so. The man just isn't mature/smart enough for this game. Why announce yourself as a free agent, playing only for yourself? Why tell everyone you have the immunity idol? If you really wanted some payback, wouldn't it have been smarter to piss everybody off so badly that the entire tribe votes for you and then you play it and someone they want to keep gets tossed? Throwing the game away at this point is stupid. Ozzy couldn't look worse right now. Well, I guess if he speared Cochrane in the eye he could look a little worse.

7:05 - Denver Jim on Ozzy's tantrum last night, "the guy couldn't have made any worse moves than he did". Couldn't of said it better myself. He's now completely flipped things around in the worst way possible. With tribemates that are fed up with his cry baby act, Ozzy looks like the next one to go. Unless he sleeps with Cochrane. It's the only way he can make up for spearing him in the face.

7:08 - Brandon has a case of "deja vu" by finding a clue for the hidden immunity idol (that Coach already has) without a note from Probst. This guy misuses words worse than Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman combined!

7:11 - Arena time! Elyse vs Nancy Grace's twin sister, Christine. It's a game of Survivor shuffleboard. Gopher, Julie McCoy, and Capt. Stubing would be pleased.

7:13 - During the challenge Christine flips off her tribe while scratching her nose. What the hell is going on? Is this Survivor: South Pacific or Survivor: The Middle School Years? What's with all the bittermen and the sense of entitlement? This is a fracking game (yes, I watch WAY too much Battlestar Galactica)! Show some decorum, some tact, some class. When has acting like a spoiled brat ever gotten anyone their way? If it really was an effective tactic, I'd start throwing a fit every night when my wife didn't massage my feet. Mmm, maybe I should try that.

7:16 - And Elyse goes home. Christine has won 4 in a row. Yawn. I gotta say, this duel idea is really losing its luster. If there was some rotation in the winner, perhaps it would be more interesting. But with someone out of the game soooo long, I doubt any viewer believes someone can truly be out for an extended length of time and be successful. Like Matt last season, you'd be spending so much time catching up to people who have figured out the game that you are lost. My suggestion? Win three times in the arena and you're back in, but on the opposing tribe. That way you'd give a team with a numbers disadvantage some leverage.

7:21 - Coach calls Edna her "friend", "adorable" and says he "loves her" all in the span of 60 seconds. Coach's Asian chick fetish refuses to be denied. I wonder how far Edna will let it go. Will she pretend to love him like Katniss did with Peeta in The Hunger Games? Or will it even go farther than that? If Edna ever kisses Coach, I'll projectile vomit all over my laptop.

7:24 - Ozzy has calmed down. I guess they have Prozac in the Survivor med kit. He realizes he has nowhere to go, kneels down and kisses Keith's ring, and apologizes to the rest of his tribe. That's one of the things I love about this game, it is so humbling. Just when you think you're steering the ship (controlling the game), a shark (the rest of your tribe), jumps up and eats your first mate (the hot chick you aligned with whose vote you had in your pocket). Good stuff.

If Brandon saw more of the bikini clad Mikayla than the shorts

and tank top Mikayla would he keep her around or burn her at the stake?

7:28 - Immunity challenge/reward time. Pfft, it's just a coconut slingshot challenge. I have a setup just like it in my backyard.

7:31 - And Ozzy's tribe comes from behind and wins immunity and reward. Mikayla hurt her tribe by being stubborn and not using two hands during the slingshot portion of the challenge. Since she's been walking around in shorts and a tank top instead of a bikini in the last few episodes, I guess it's time for her to go.

7:38 - Ozzy's tribe enjoying the reward of food and a natural water slide. And all is right with the tribe. Isn't it amazing how some free time and some grub makes all the anger go away? That's something that I'm certain I underestimate (especially as I sit on my couch in front of my TV), just how much the living conditions effect your actions. Think about it. Imagine going without breakfast and lunch tomorrow. How irritable would you be? It's probably best that I'm not on Survivor. I'd likely turn into a lunatic. I'd end up making a fake coconut iPhone so I could "check" my email and get "online".

7:41 - Back at Coach's tribe and it looks like it's between Edna and Mikayla. Al, for some weird reason, wants Mikayla to stay while Coach is ready to see her go in favor of his Asian crush, Edna. This could be an ominous sign for Coach. If Al swings things his way, isn't he really the leader of the tribe?

7:44 - Funny quotes from this last segment - says Al,"If I had to do a Survivor draft and I have Mikayla and Edna standing next to one another it's a no brainer. I pick Mikayla 11 out of 10 times." Math is obviously not a baseball coaches strong suit.

Says Brandon, "I'm uneasy about Edna. She's too sweet not to be playing us." I get it, the old you're-too-nice-there-must-be-something-wrong-with-you logic. From a Hantz, this makes perfect sense. Yet again, Brandon proves he can be talked into anything. I can't wait until Mikayla and Brandon become BFFs three episodes from now and she talks him into suffocating Coach with his own buff.

7:46 - Interesting exchange between Al and Coach. Coach makes the case that Edna will do whatever he asks, that she's a loyal and solid 6. Al on the other hand brings up how she's a physical liability and that Edna knows she's the lowest on the totem pole and will flip the first chance she gets. I'm with Coach on this one. I'd go with loyalty over strength, which is always overrated in this game. And Al, don't you think Mikayla knows she's at the bottom of your tribe? And what's to say someone else in your "solid 5" won't flip anyway?  This brings us to Survivor Rule #8 - stick with who you trust.

7:49 - Tribal council time! The tribe is clearly divided. Al and Coach go back and forth, then Brandon climbs up Mt Pious, misuses about 4 different words and opens his pie hole to say something completely non-sensical. The dude is a walking contradiction.

7:51 - Time to vote. The Cowboy is the swing. Who gets their way - Coach or Al?

7:54 - And Mikayla gets the boot. The Cowboy (Rick) made the only play he could. If he's thinking long term, which he should be, he can really use this to his advantage. If he's savvy enough he could turn his strong six into a tight four, leaving Al and Sophie on the outside looking in.

Final thoughts - Is it just me or did Mikayla suddenly start to look very average? I thought she was supposed to be this season's babe. What gives?... Ozzy's meltdown shows what kind of guy he really is, which is overly emotional. It's sad that a guy that has now played the game 3 times can't separate the personal from the gameplay. I'm not saying there is never anything personal that happens in the game, but what happened to Elyse certainly doesn't qualify...Guess how old Sophie is. Go on, guess! 22! I feel bad for the girl because she looks to be at least in her mid-30s. It's sad when someone who is 41 (Dawn) is in better shape than someone half their age.

That's all for now. See you next week!

Survivor: South Pacific Episode 5 Running Diary

Brandon's favorite song? Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake.

Another Wednesday, another episode of Survivor: South Pacific! I'm looking forward to a shake up soon, hopefully this week. Before we get to this episode though, I do want to briefly talk about two other shows, one new and one old.

The old show I want to throw out there is Battlestar Galactica. Prior to this summer I'd never seen a single episode. I got in on Caprica first, which is ironic since it's a prequel that came out after BG ran its course. I loved the characters and the storyline, even though I already knew how things would turn out. I figured I'd give Galactica a try, despite my reluctance to do so when it first aired because I was concerned about how it would compare to the original show (yes, the cheesy 70s version but I grew up with it as a kid so I had a soft spot for it). Now I can't get enough. I watch it on Netflix streaming all the time and it is FANTASTIC. I'm seriously considering asking for a Blu-ray box set for Christmas. If you're a late comer like me, don't hesitate. Jump into Battlestar Galactica now.

The other show I'd like to recommend is Homefront on Showtime. It's the only new show out this fall that I feel is worth watching. It has a stellar cast. Damian Lewis, who was fantastic as Maj. Winters in Band of Brothers, is the male lead. Claire Danes, who I've previously only really liked in the third Terminator movie, really shines in her role as a CIA agent teetering on the edge. Best of all is Morena Baccarin. Most will remember her as Inara from Firefly or as Anna from V. In Homefront she's Lewis's wife who is conflicted about her husband's return. It's a great show with lots of intrigue. It's only two episodes in but I'm already hooked. I highly recommend it.

Okay, enough of that. Let's get to this week's Survivor episode.

7:01 - Recap from last week. Ugh, here's yet another shot of Brandon crying like his dog just died. He's getting on my nerves. If there are Survivor gods, they'll be sure he takes a coconut to the groin this week.

7:03 - Stacey and Christine are reunited and it feels so good. For them. For those of us at home, it's like watching two clucking hens. They talk at the same time and no one understands what they hell either of them are saying. Not that anybody cares what these two non-factors are blabbering about anyway.

7:05 - Winning this week's "Pot Calling the Kettle Black Award" is Brandon, whose Forrest Gump-esque IQ blurted out this gem - "Mikayla said that she didn't like that I was a Hance, which is pretty prejudiced. It shows she has very little class." This coming from a guy who has the word "loco" tattooed on his neck and is so threatened by attractive women that he wanted Mikayla voted off because he was afraid he'd rape her.

7:05 - And we have Brandon tears. Shocking. This guy cries more than a pregnant woman watching The Notebook.

7:07 - Time for today's duel in the arena! Stacey goes on an incoherent rant complete with eye rolls, zerberts, random hand gestures, and more non-sensical slang than I can keep track of. She's essentially the female Victor Borge. And yes, that could be the most vague pop culture reference I've ever made.

7:10 - And Stacey loses. Nancy Grace (Christine) lives to see another day. Sadly, the audience loses a chance to absorb more of Stacey's eloquence. How will we survive?!?

7:16 - Coach gets a post duel report from Albert about Stacey's tirade and seems overly bent. Dude, who cares? Let it roll. Instead he gets mad and is thinking too far ahead and is concerned about how this will affect him at a merge. Then, he proceeds to utter the words you never should under any circumstances, "could this day get any worse?". That's what we in the writing trade call Foreshadowing.

7:18 - Such an interesting scene just now. Cochrane (who looks like a red-headed Count Chocula with his collar popped up for some weird reason) carrying in an armful of wood while Ozzy and Elyse lie around and pump up each other's egos. Why is the wimpy ginger kid doing all the work while you two pretty people sleep in and sit on your asses? I feel a usurping coming on. USURPING! Or at least I hope one's coming.

7:20 - Back at Coach's tribe. Albert, walking around in his boxer briefs (it drives me nuts that the dudes on this show constantly walk around in their underwear) easily finds an immunity idol clue. I again implore Mark Burnett - hire me as your official immunity hider. I'll make it harder to find than a good David Spade movie. If a guy just walks by a tree and sees a clue, the dude you hired is not doing his job.

7:23 - Holy crap, Coach found the idol. To steal from a Simpson's episode, everything's coming up Coach. Now both he and Ozzy have immunity idols. I guess these two, unless one or both does something stupid or trusts someone they shouldn't (which is possible) aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

7:29 - After an ocean excursion with Keith and Cochrane, Ozzy walks on the beach with a handful of fish like a strutting Jim Morrison. I understand how important food must be in the game, but haven't we seen it before where the overconfident "provider" gets the boot? It's not like a spear is a complicated tool. With a little practice, even Elyse could figure out how to use it. Right now, Ozzy seems ripe for the plucking.

Elyse, you're not quite pretty enough to be riding the Attach Myself to the Cute Guy train.

7:31 - Immunity challenge time! The old roasted-pig-on-a-spit-grab-off-a-hunk-of-meat-with-your-face-place-it-in-a-basket-and-hope-you-have-the most-weight-torn-off chestnut. Besides seeing this on Survivor multiple times, I'm pretty sure this is some kind of Man vs Food challenge.

7:35 - Wow! Coach's tribe wins by 2 ounces. They get to take their collected meat with them. Which honestly, if I was on the island for 13 days, I'd eat right out of the basket. So what if there's spit on it?!? If I go 3 days without a hamburger I'm cranky. Twelve days without meat? I'd have probably started to eat my tribemates by then. I'd start with Brandon so I wouldn't have to deal with his crocodile tears.

7:43 - Back at Ozzy's tribe. Looks like it's between Cochrane (the underdog) vs Elyse (the lazy pretty girl). Denver Jim is playing both sides but needs to swing Keith. Can a hunky jock be swayed to go against his natural alliance with Ozzy? I don't see it, but if he did it could really turn the game around.

7:45 - Brilliant play by Denver Jim. He talks with Keith, but not about voting for Cochrane. His stance is that he's more about voting (sort of) against Ozzy by taking out his strongest ally, Elyse. He's specifically using the news Dawn brought back from the arena duel earlier in the show to illustrate his point. Well played sir, very well played.

7:47 - Now we're presented with our twist. Keith is paired with Whitney, complicating matters. A vote for Elyse would essentially switch their alliance leaving Ozzy on the outs. Which side do they choose? The smart play is to vote out Elyse, the loyal play is to vote out Cochrane. I think Cochrane goes because Keith and Whitney don't seem very smart.

7:48 - Tribal council time!

7:53 - Yes! Elyse goes. Keith and Whitney throw away their votes at Dawn (such a stupid move, I hate the old we-chose-not-to-decide-yet-still-we-made-a-choice vote, you're just as guilty as everyone else) and Denver Jim, Cochran, and Dawn vote Elyse out. See ya!

Final thoughts - Loved the preview for next week where it looks like Ozzy is pouting like a baby and throwing challenges. Way to throw the game "All Star". Elyse in her exit interview got on her high horse and talked about loyalty and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is Survivor sweetheart, get over yourself. I can't stand when people get on Mt. Pious and start acting like bittermen. You were bested, you got overconfident and you received what everyone gets who doesn't keep their head on a swivel - decapitated. I love blindsides, they always turn the game on its ear. Hopefully we'll see even more action in the next episode.

See you all next week!

Survivor: South Pacific Episode 4 Running Diary

Because of a DVR error I didn't record Survivor Wednesday night. So I watched it on Thursday on Demand. Thank you Comcast for your crappy DVR service.  

Another Wednesday, another exciting episode of Survivor: South Pacific. Last week Papa Bear got the boot, which wasn't much of a surprise. In fact, we're three episodes in and we've really only seen one surprise, the emergence of Coach as General Patton. Where's the vengeful Dragon Slayer? Where's the tai chi? So far the most brazen thing Coach is done is flirt with a woman named Edna. Edna!

Instead, so far the star of the show has been Arkham Asylum escapee Brandon HANTZ (I looked it up on the CBS website so you guys can stop giving me crap about the spelling), who was recently diagnosed with hotchickphobia, a very rare disease among heterosexual males. The Hantzster also has the unique ability to talk to God. Yet so far that hasn't really helped him much.

Will Brandon finally lose it? Will Probst's mancrush Cochran finally grow a pair? What's the Vegas odds on Probst not wearing a blue shirt this week? 100:1? 1000:1?

Find out on this week's episode of...Survivor: South Pacific!

7:00 - Review from last week. Aside from her love of firearm noises, Stacey is a complete non-factor. People like her, who seem to be completely clueless, make me wonder why they even apply, let alone make it on the show.

7:02 - Ozzie and Elyse getting cozy in a hammock. There Ozzy goes, thinking with his junk again. I thought he and Keith were tight? If I was Keith I'd be worried about getting usurped. Although I freely admit that Elyse looks a lot more fun to snuggle with on those cold island nights.

7:04 - Love the dramatic morning shot of Russell...er...Brandon, who is regurgitating everything he's said all season. He apologizes to Mikayla and keeps talking about how the game is messing with him. I think I realize Brandon's problem, he's off his meds.

7:05 - Gah! Now Brandon is telling Edna she's not part of the core five. His duty to "be honest" is forcing him to tell her the truth. What an ass. Don't you love people who justify telling you crap to mess with your head by using the phrase "I just gotta be honest" as an excuse. I wish this worked in real life. Maybe then I could walk up to my boss and say, "No offense, but you're so short that it's hard to take you seriously. You remind me of a munchkin from The Wizard of Oz." I hope Coach sees what he's doing and karate kicks him in the face.

7:08 - Duel time. Christine vs Papa Bear! Or as I see it,  Nancy Grace vs Harvey Fierstein! I dare you to tell me Christine and Papa Bear aren't their body doubles.

7:09 - I love how they call the place where they hold the duel, "the arena". Very Spartacus-esque. If they'd just oil up we might have something a bit more interesting to watch. Actually, forget I said that. An oiled up Christine and Papa Bear would make me vomit.

7:10 - Prior to the contest Brandon apologizes to Christine for the way he's played the game. Little Hantz's come-to-Jesus act is getting really old, really quick. I hope he goes this week, the dude has turned into an unpredictable wild card that can't be trusted. If Coach is smart (a big IF) he'll get rid of him now and have Edna take his place in his core five.

7:13 - And Christine wins a very close bean bag toss. Very appropriate challenge for two people of this age group, but somewhat boring.

7:16 - Stacey (a mortician who slurs her speech so bad that I can only understand the gun noises she makes) and Mikayla are getting annoyed with Edna. I just think they're being haters. They know they're on the outside looking in and are looking for anyone to target their frustration at. I guess the cute asian anesthesiologist with the goofy laugh who tries to get to know her tribemates is a good person to target.

Why would I post a picture of Stacey when this was available on cbs.com instead? 

7:20 - Immunity challenge time! It's the old "how much weight can you hold" chestnut. This challenge has been around FOREVER. I first remember seeing it during Survivor: Australia. It's a classic though, and unlike some challenges, I wouldn't mind if they did it every season.

7:27 - And Ozzie's tribe wins. Dawn pulled through at the end. I'm rooting for Dawn. She cried on the first episode of this season, but it looks like she's started to figure the game out a bit. Also, as a fellow 40-year old, I can't help but root for her.

7:30 - Looks like it's between Edna and Stacey. Stacey believes that her performance at the immunity challenge should save her over the weaker Edna and she certainly has a point, however, if I'm on the island I'll take loyalty over strength every time. That and Stacey's eyerolling shows she's not trustworthy.

7:33 - It's as easy to get into Brandon's head as it is to get into a bag of peanuts. Stacey managed to mess with him and put all sorts of doubt into his head by saying just two sentences. Coach tries to talk him off the ledge but he's resisting like a three-year old who's throwing a temper tantrum that doesn't want to get picked up. Yo Coach, kick this idiot to the curb. You'll still have numbers even after he's gone, get rid of his crazy ass!

7:36 - Tribal Council time! Over the course of the show Probst's shirts have gotten a progressively darker blue. Just in case you missed that.

7:38 - Brandon just referred to himself in the third person. I promise, PROMISE, that if I get on Survivor I will only refer to myself in the third person. As much as humanly possible. Now that will get me some air time!

7:39 - And here goes Brandon with his crocodile tears. I hate people who hide behind God. By the way, I think Brandon just broke the record for the most times a Survivor contestant has broken down into tears on a season, and this is only episode 4.

7:40 - Says Brandon during tribal, "I don't want to be misrepresented". No worries there pal, everyone in America is now well aware of your issues. There should be pictures of you in post offices and grocery stores warning people about you.

7:41 - Brandon's full of talk but little action. A guy who talks as much as this guy about redemption doesn't actually do it, he just tells you about it. He doesn't have a responsible bone in his body. I'm looking forward to the reunion show where he blames editing for the way he was portrayed.

7:42 - And Stacey goes. Coach goes in for a hug on her way out and he blows him off like Adrian Peterson on an approaching linebacker. I'm glad she's gone, Stacey is about as likeable as a football to the groin. Kind of like that ass of an uncle you have to put up with at family get-togethers, but you can't understand a word she says. At least BFFs Christine and Stacey will get to eliminate one other, that should provide some sweet irony.

Final thoughts - A somewhat subdued episode, but not bad overall. This is what I'd call a foreshadowing episode. No real surprises happened this week, but you just might get a hint of some things to come. The Elyse/Ozzie relationship is going to cause some problems. Brandon has to go sooner rather than later. The Denver Jim/Cochrane pairing could possibly make some noise. As for Christine/Stacey, they are complete non-factors. They'll get some camera time over the next few weeks, but in reality they're just annoying bittermen. In all honesty, they have no right to be upset about anything. Neither one of them played the game worth a damn, so they both deserve to go.

Well, that's if for now. See you all next week!

Survivor: South Pacific Episode 3 Running Diary

Wherever Mikayla goes, Brandon isn't too far behind.

Ah, yes. Another Wednesday, another episode of Survivor. Episode 2 saw the emergence of future Celebrity Rehabber Brandon, who is looking more and more like a Hance each week. Should have known he'd revert to his family's psychopathic ways. Anyone who will tell everyone within earshot how honest they are is usually a hypocrite. As my homie Billy Shakespeare once wrote, "I think he doth protest too much". 

The preview from last week sure makes it look like Brandon is about to lose it. This leaves his buddy the Dragon Slayer in quite a predicament. Does he play the loyalty card that bit him in the ass so many times? Or has he wised up and realized that you can only be loyal to someone who deserves it? But this week's biggest question is, what color of blue will Jeff Probst's shirt be? Midnight? Ultramarine? Sky? Navy? Periwinkle? 

Let's find out in this latest edition of the Survivor: South Pacific running diary!

7:01 - Christine shows up to Redemption Island and proceeds to say, "I don't know what happened at tribal council". That's why you got voted out! Then she tells Semhar that Coach is acting like King Farouk, which could be the oddest historical reference I've ever heard. Yo Christine, do you really think a Spoken Word Artist is going to get your King Farouk dig on Coach? Yeah, I'm sure a 24-year old Californian is going to pick up on your Egyptian king who died in 1965 analogy. And yes, I had to look up who the hell King Farouk was too. 

7:06 - Why is Johnny Drama popping up on my TV screen right now? I guess Ari Gold managed to hook him up with a sitcom after his cartoon comedy Johnny Bananas was cancelled. 

7:07 - Duel time! Semhar vs Christine! A lazy poet vs a middle aged white woman. Should be thrilling.

7:08 - Semhar says a pre-challenge poem that starts with "there isn't anything I wouldn't do for this man, I'd even take off my clothes and give him a private show" and then the camera pans to Probst. Everyone looks around awkwardly. I'm not sure if Probst is intrigued, or ready to crap his pants, but I'm sure he's thinking "she's talking about me, right?" 

7:09 - For the record, Jeff's shirt is an azure blue during this challenge. 

7:11 - And Semhar loses a balancing challenge. Instead of studying poetry, she should have majored in plate spinning. It would have been more useful. Christine and her angry, middle aged, Long Island-self lives for another day. In her post challenge interview she blames Coach for her troubles. Hey Christine, if you'd of kept your mouth shut on Day 1 and would've been more social, your idol Barbara Streisand  diva act might not haven't gotten you voted out. You're "39" for crying out loud! Quit blaming a man for all your problems. By the way, the more I look at Christine the more she starts to look like Nancy Grace. Creepy. 

7:16 - Says Brandon, "this morning God chastised me big time, he was not pleased with me".  Sign #256 that Brandon is Son of Sam level crazy - he talks to God.  

7:17 - Oh. my. goodness. And now Brandon has crapped the bed. He just took off his shirt and revealed that he is Russell's nephew. Because we all have tattoos on our body proclaiming our surnames right? Right?!? Can we revote on who the stupidest Survivor of all time is?!? If Brandon throws Coach under the bus for knowing his secret but not telling, he should be nominated for Reality Show Douche of the Year. Last year's winner was Ashley from The Bachelorette for what she did to runner up Ben, in case you were curious. Kasey and Vienna from The Bachelor Pad are the frontrunners so far this year but Brandon is gaining on them. 

7:18 - I love Stacey's reaction to Brandon's confession. "Blam" is all she says. Evidently she can only speak in the language of fire arms. I'm pretty sure "Pew pew" means "Excuse me, can you tell me the time?" And "Kaboom!" means she has to go to the bathroom.

7:19 - Remember when I said last week that Coach has turned a corner? Forget I said that. Coach is an idiot. He says he still trusts Brandon. Seriously!?! How can you! He lied during tribal. He confesses the worst things at the worst possible time. He has a conscience so guilty that unless he's in church with a Bible jammed up his rectum he feels he's doing something wrong. The guy has the mind of a 5-year old. Which, oh I don't know, just might be a liability on a show like Survivor. I guarantee you that if I bribed him a lollipop I could make him punch himself in the face as hard as he could. It's sad when a lingerie football player is the smartest person on your tribe.  

7:21 - Okay, I'm starting to sense a theme here - I call it Stupidity. Ozzy tells Keith, who he thinks he can trust, that he has the hidden immunity idol. Keith proceeds to tell Whitney, who seems surprised that Ozzie would have told him such a thing. Whitney and Keith think Ozzy is telling him because it's a power move. Little do they know, Ozzie is an idiot and only told Keith because he actually trusts him. So I guess this is the season that Survivor drafted players with an IQ under 100. Granted, I get that you have to have an extremely solid two-person alliance at some point, but it's pretty clear Ozzie (again) has no idea who is trustworthy or not. I'm sure this has worked out great in his relationships with women. 

7:23 - To quote Vince Lombardi, "What the hell is going on here?!?". Mikayla pulls Brandon aside to try and clear the air about why he has an issue with her and Brandon turns their conversation into a televised presidential debate by talking things out with his tribe around. Did this guy take "How to Make Yourself Look Like An Jerk on TV 101" at his local community college? Brandon's trying very hard to look like Mr. Transparency, but instead he's coming across as a total loon. I can't remember a Survivor meltdown this epic since Sue Hawk's Survivor All-Star throwdown where she practically spit in Jeff Probst's face. 

7:29 - Challenge time! It looks like there's water involved. Finally. They haven't had a swimming challenge in a long time. Maybe Brandon will have his mouth so full of water that he'll go 5 minutes without sticking his foot in it. 

Says Coach, "I've never heard a funnier anecdote. Now you tell one."

7:36 - And Coach's tribe wins immunity. I guess Brandon will have to live with seductress Mikayla for another three days. Because, as we all know, she's clearly got the hots for him. What lingerie model wouldn't be attracted to a short, chubby, insecure man with tattoos all over his body? 

7:42 - At Ozzy's tribe. Looks like it's between Cochran and Papa Bear. Sadly, at this point in the game neither one of them seems to have a move to make. This leads to Survivor rule #6 - If you're not in the majority, you are the minority. And like most minorities, you'll get screwed.

7:43 - 7:47 - Weird sequence here. The power group decides to get rid of Papa Bear, yet they tell him they're voting for Cochran. Papa (using his retired cop powers) has sniffed it out and knows they're full of it. He then proceeds to pretend he has the idol, despite Ozzie knowing for a fact that he doesn't. I give Papa Bear credit for creativity, but when you know you're toast, shouldn't you just bite the bullet?

7:48 - Tribal council time! 

7:50 - I understand Ozzy's allure, or any former Survivor's appeal, at least initially. If I was on a season and certain former Survivors were on it (Pavarti, Boston Rob, Amber) I'd be staring at them like a 7th grader stars at Justin Beiber in the lastet issue of Tiger Beat. But why don't these people think rationally and say to themselves, "Look, this guy had his shot. This is his third time, this is our first. Let's get him off now!" Granted, I wouldn't be the guy who brought the idea up because any former Survivor would instantly see me as a threat and vote me out, but I'd jump all over it if someone else did. 

7:53 - And Papa Bear goes. If there's not a major move soon, Jeff Probst's man crush on Cochran shall go unrequited. The dude just doesn't have the numbers. At this point it seems like it's only a matter of time before everyone's favorite verbose Harvard law student is gone. 

7:58 - Just saw the preview for next week's episode. Does Cochran finally make a move? If so, I'll be glad. Use that Harvard brain for something other than a doormat. It also seems like Brandon is getting closer to a meltdown, but they teased us that last week too so who knows. 

Final Thoughts - This was a bit of a weird episode. First of all, I broke my own personal records for Survivor quotes in running diary. And Brandon has got to be going soon, right? He's been getting so much air time I don't see how he could stick around. And Probst's man (nerd?) crush for Cochran may give away that next week is when he turns the corner from being an afterthought to being a major player. Maybe. Personally I'd love to see one of the returning Survivors get knocked out early anyway. As much as I don't like Christine's game, she was telling the truth about what most people were thinking - get rid of the former Survivors. I honestly don't think either Coach or Ozzy will win, but if I'm on there and on the chopping block, I'd have a good reason for me staying over a returnee. 

So You Want To Be On Survivor...

This may be as close as I ever get to Jeff Probst. Unless I bump into him at the airport or move to California and start stalking him.

So you want to be on Survivor? Hey, me too! What a coincidence! Granted, I have absolutely no idea how to get on the show. I've only applied about...(counting on my fingers, ran out of fingers) 15 or so times and have never even gotten a call-in for an interview. Heck, I'd even settle for a Mark Burnett rejection form letter (Dear Sir, quit applying to Survivor, you're just embarrassing yourself at this point.) but I can't even get that. Sigh.

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment but all that rejection hasn't deterred me one bit. Despite the fact that the older, slower, and fatter I get the less chance I actually have of winning if I do ever get selected. And naturally the uglier I get, my chances decrease even further. Whatever, I'm gonna keep trying anyway. While I may not be able to help you (or me) get on the show, I'm more than happy to share my recent experience of applying at an open casting call. This weekend they had one in my state and I drove 90 minutes to get there. That's how deep my passion runs. 

Of course, I'm the same guy who spent an hour driving to three different Best Buys trying to find the free Darth Vader shirt that came with the recently released Star Wars Blu-ray collection (I didn't get one), so interpret that as you will.  

Check out my experience, through photos and captions, below. 

This is the line in front of me for the open call. It was surprisingly short. I got there about an hour early and there were only about 100 people in line. My guess is that holding the event in a small town outside of Denver reduced the number of people willing to attend. It may also have had to do with the fact that this small town is Black Hawk, known for its small stakes gambling. Aside from octogenarians and people with gambling addictions, I doubt anybody in Colorado knows where the hell this town is. I sure didn't, I had to Mapquest it. 

For the record if anyone from this line makes it my money is on the black guy with the flat top and the brown vest to the right. He was chatting up a lot of people and seemed pretty charismatic. Meanwhile I stood in line listening to a Bill Simmons podcast and checking out fantasy football info on my iPhone. Oh yes, I was already playing the game in line. The anti-social-stay-away-from-me game. 

Here's the line behind me. The one thing I can say I had going for me was that I was one of two minorities (the other being the dude previously mentioned with the vest) in the line. There were a ton of white guys! There were also a few younger, scantily clad women but I don't think they were Survivor quality. When you look like you jumped off your roof to fit into your dress, you probably picked the wrong outfit.  

So here's how it worked. People in line were given a waiver to sign saying it was okay to use their image. This is the same form on the pdf that usually is available on the CBS website, people who've applied to the show before will know what I'm talking about. You walked up to a table, gave someone your name, phone number, and email address and are directed to one of the tents above. Here is where you film your 1-minute video. What do you say? Pretty much what you'd say in the video you'd send in to CBS if you applied from home, but 2 minutes shorter. There's just a cameraman, some dude who takes your name, and a camera. You're handed a mic and you get do do your thing. That's it. 

The line moved super fast, they got people in and out faster than McDonald's during the lunch time rush. From the time I got in line to the time I was done with my video, I was there no longer than an hour and a half. So what did I say in my 60-second blurb? Good question. I honestly don't remember much. I started clamming up as the line whittled down. I thought I'd have more time, so I wasn't really prepared. Which was really dumb. 

What I do remember is making a Patrick Swayze/Roadhouse reference, mentioning something about how my work/life history would make me successful in the game, and then I was out of time. I handed back the mic, took a pic of my boy Jeff Probst that's at the top of this post, and headed home. 

So how did I do? Okay, I guess. Looking back on it now I certainly would have included a few more jokes in my video. In fact, if I knew the exact process I probably would have written out a script to memorize. At the very least I should have written an outline of what I wanted to say while I was waiting in line. I certainly had the time to do it, but that's on me. I dropped the ball on that one. Do I think applying this way improves my chances of being on the show? Not really. There was no application form to fill out, which is where I feel my sense of humor comes through, so that's a negative for me. Can casting get an idea of who I am based on a 60-second video? Probably not. But maybe being hardcore enough to go to a casting call counts for something. Who knows?

Despite not doing my best I'm glad that I gave the open casting call a shot. I'm a bit of a risk taker so why not drive to some sleepy little town and try? Besides, applying to Survivor is just flat out fun for me. I enjoy answering the questions on the application and making the video. I've made some goofy (and incredibly embarrassing) tapes but I sure got a kick out of doing it. All I need is to get in front of someone in casting and I really do think I'd have a chance, but if not, it's really not a big deal. Rejection allows me to live vicariously through the people who are on the show instead of me, without starving or getting eaten alive by bugs.

If nothing else, if I ever do get selected, at least I'll have some good stories to tell.