Just don't turn around Brandon, you wouldn't want your face to melt like the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
It's Wednesday and that can only mean one thing. Survivor time! Will uber nerd Cochran make it past this week? How many trees will Ozzie climb (the over under in Vegas is 5)? How many times will Brandon creepily ogle Mikayla from cover about as concealing as a chain link fence?
Let's find out on this week's...(dramatic Probstian pause)...Survivor!
7:00 - 7:02 - Recap of last week's episode. Somehow I didn't remember how smoothly Coach made an alliance after being ignored at the start of the competition. I guess like Brandon, I too was distracted by Mikayla.
7:02 - Semhar on Redemption Island sobbing like a spoiled brat. She talks about having "abandonment issues" and proceeds to heal herself through the majesty of poetry, which to my untrained ear sounds a hell of a lot like rhymed whining. And I just looked up Semhar's profile and she's from Los Angeles. Surprise! They don't make people like that anywhere else.
7:04 - Keith gets his first bit of camera time this season as Ozzie appears to make an alliance with him. Seeing how Keith doesn't have a huge rack and a gorgeous face I'm caught off-guard by this. Maybe that's what it takes to finally do well on Survivor, screw up the first two times you play.
7:08 - 7:10 - Coach is chatting up Edna, who could have the oddest first name for an Asian I've ever heard. He forms an alliance with her, but personally I just think he's got the hots for her. I've been enjoying this new Coach. He's self-deprecating and easy going. I bet this is how he is in real life. Either that or two stints on Survivor works as one heck of an ego reducer.
7:12 - Ozzie, doing his best monkey impression (as usual), just found the hidden immunity idol. I guess covering up the idol with a rock in a tree might just give away that there is something under it. Wouldn't the guy who hides immunity idols be the last person in the world you'd trust with keeping something hidden? I bet he's the same guy who "hides" Easter eggs at his local church.
7:16 - Well that didn't last long. After saying he wouldn't tell anyone that he was Russell's nephew, Brandon, who has the strangest guilty conscience in the history of teenage boys, floors Coach by revealing his secret. This is Day 4! Day 4! And you already feel bad about keeping something from a guy who calls himself "The Dragon Slayer"?!? You do know this is a competition right? Didn't Russell give you any advice?!?
7:18 - During the entire Coach/Brandon conversation Coach's junk was pixelated out. I swear if I ever make it on Survivor I won't walk around in my underwear all the time. I promise!
7:20 - You can tell Denver Jim has watched a lot of Survivor. He comes up with this "3 plus 2" plan on who to keep in an alliance of 5 - himself, Keith and Ozzie, and two cute women whose names escape me. I actually like this plan. Maybe its because it sounds like something I'd come up with after taking a few days to size up my tribe and what kind of hand I've been dealt, or maybe it's because after watching this show so many times that's always how it seems to shake out anyway. That said, it seems too easy. I hope something or someone throws a monkey wrench in Jim's plans.
7:25 - Mikayla finally gets some air time! Brandon (who compares her to Pavarti, which is a bit of stretch at this point since she doesn't seem nearly as sly) makes the mistake of fishing with her and he's breaking into a sweat like Waldo in the "Hot for Teacher" video. Brandon is a total contradiction. He's an enigma, wrapped in a blanket, wrapped in a tortilla. He does not act like a typical 19-year old, especially not one related to Russell.
What the heck goes on in that family anyway? You've got a pious teenager who'd flog himself like the albino from The DaVinci Code for daring to look at a gorgeous woman in boy shorts and a sports bra and a toothless "millionaire" who'd stab his own mother in the eye for $20. All in favor of the Hance Family getting their own reality show say aye!
7:28 - I'm rooting for Christine (she's a teacher and I know quite a few teachers) but she's just too obvious in what she's doing. Rule #4 on Survivor - don't stand out early. All that does is put a target on your back. It's tough to tell if she's made any alliances or not, but if she hasn't and she can't find the idol, all she's done is get herself voted out.
7:30 - Challenge time! A May pole, keys, a giant puzzle. Looks like fun!
7:34 - And Ozzie's tribe wins immunity. They came from behind to knock Coach's tribe out. Coach's group had the brawn for the last part of the challenge but not the brains. Funny, after looking over the Survivors, aside from Cochran, only Denver Jim appears to be a real strategic player. Of course, up to this point Cochran's strategy has just been "don't get voted off" so I might be wrong.
"Hey Woody, now that I've taken control of the tribe where do you think my dragon tail should go? Here? (In a redneck accent) How 'bout here sir."
7:39 - I love when a tribe votes off a person for the first time. The stress of it all really shakes up the group.
7:40 - Coach is suddenly taking control of the tribe. Interesting twist. Never would have guessed that after the first episode.
7:42 - Wow, what a great awkward moment. Coach is having a pow wow with his little core group. Mikayla walks over, Coach asks for some "privacy", Stacey walks over, and Coach walks away. If that doesn't tell you the pecking order nothing will.
7:43 - Brandon is DEAD SET on Mikayla. Dude! What is wrong with you?!? Why does she scare you so bad? Are you afraid she'll beat you up? Or are you more afraid you're going to fall harder for her than Charlie Brown did for the little red haired girl but you know she'll flat out reject you because you're a weirdo. You are one odd duck. I think you need therapy.
7:45 - How can Christine be so naive? Survivor Rule #5 - if no one is talking to you, you're screwed. If you have NO CLUE what other people are thinking, you're on the outs and it's only a matter of time until you're gone. How can you not know that?
7:47 - Tribal council! They only show us a few minutes but I've heard these things can go on for hours. I really wish CBS would put the whole thing on their website. It would really give viewers some insight into the game.
7:48 - Coach lays it all out and calls Stacey and Christine out for targeting Mikayla (according to Brandon, but of course Coach doesn't know that). Nice! Really loving Coach this season!
7:50 - Ho-ly crap. Brandon comes clean and admits he was the one who was pushing for Mikayla to get the boot. This prompted Stacey and Christine to start talking over each other like two sixth graders discussing the latest episode of Glee. This guy is an idiot. I'd change my vote to Brandon at this point.
7:52 - Time to vote!
7:54 - And Christine goes home. She looked surprised, Coach looked a little too happy. What a weird tribal. Sophie, Christine, Edna, and Stacey all received votes. That's not good for this tribe, they seem completely disorganized. If Ozzy's tribe is unified in any way they'll wipe the floor with these guys.
7:57 - The preview for next week's show looks good. It appears we'll see the mental breakdown of Brandon, which should be highly entertaining. It reminds me of Jean Grey trying to surpress the Dark Phoenix in the third X-Men movie. And if that's too vague of a pop culture reference for you, too bad!
Final thoughts - I like Albert. He really shined during tribal council. He seems smart, controlled, and savvy. I think he'll go far. Coach suddenly being in control is weird to watch. In his two previous stints he never had any power, now that he does I'm worried he'll turn into Tony Montana in Scarface. I like Cochran but not quite as much as Jeff Probst who I follow on Twitter. I also watch Probst's Tout videos and I think he's giving away (unintentionally of course) that's he's around longer than you'd think. Brandon has some serious issues. My guess? He's a total douche, a drunken booze hound who lived off his uncle's rep for the last 2 1/2 years. He knocked some chick up who was way out of his league (she was only attracted to him because he was a Louisiana D-level celeb thanks to Russell), ended up falling for her, cheated on her, had a revelation and was forced to repent and accept Jesus as his savior in order to keep her and to prevent lawyers from getting at any money he had to pay for child support for some kid that may or may not be his. That's just a guess.
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