Thursday, September 29, 2011

Survivor: South Pacific Episode 3 Running Diary

Wherever Mikayla goes, Brandon isn't too far behind.

Ah, yes. Another Wednesday, another episode of Survivor. Episode 2 saw the emergence of future Celebrity Rehabber Brandon, who is looking more and more like a Hance each week. Should have known he'd revert to his family's psychopathic ways. Anyone who will tell everyone within earshot how honest they are is usually a hypocrite. As my homie Billy Shakespeare once wrote, "I think he doth protest too much". 

The preview from last week sure makes it look like Brandon is about to lose it. This leaves his buddy the Dragon Slayer in quite a predicament. Does he play the loyalty card that bit him in the ass so many times? Or has he wised up and realized that you can only be loyal to someone who deserves it? But this week's biggest question is, what color of blue will Jeff Probst's shirt be? Midnight? Ultramarine? Sky? Navy? Periwinkle? 

Let's find out in this latest edition of the Survivor: South Pacific running diary!

7:01 - Christine shows up to Redemption Island and proceeds to say, "I don't know what happened at tribal council". That's why you got voted out! Then she tells Semhar that Coach is acting like King Farouk, which could be the oddest historical reference I've ever heard. Yo Christine, do you really think a Spoken Word Artist is going to get your King Farouk dig on Coach? Yeah, I'm sure a 24-year old Californian is going to pick up on your Egyptian king who died in 1965 analogy. And yes, I had to look up who the hell King Farouk was too. 

7:06 - Why is Johnny Drama popping up on my TV screen right now? I guess Ari Gold managed to hook him up with a sitcom after his cartoon comedy Johnny Bananas was cancelled. 

7:07 - Duel time! Semhar vs Christine! A lazy poet vs a middle aged white woman. Should be thrilling.

7:08 - Semhar says a pre-challenge poem that starts with "there isn't anything I wouldn't do for this man, I'd even take off my clothes and give him a private show" and then the camera pans to Probst. Everyone looks around awkwardly. I'm not sure if Probst is intrigued, or ready to crap his pants, but I'm sure he's thinking "she's talking about me, right?" 

7:09 - For the record, Jeff's shirt is an azure blue during this challenge. 

7:11 - And Semhar loses a balancing challenge. Instead of studying poetry, she should have majored in plate spinning. It would have been more useful. Christine and her angry, middle aged, Long Island-self lives for another day. In her post challenge interview she blames Coach for her troubles. Hey Christine, if you'd of kept your mouth shut on Day 1 and would've been more social, your idol Barbara Streisand  diva act might not haven't gotten you voted out. You're "39" for crying out loud! Quit blaming a man for all your problems. By the way, the more I look at Christine the more she starts to look like Nancy Grace. Creepy. 

7:16 - Says Brandon, "this morning God chastised me big time, he was not pleased with me".  Sign #256 that Brandon is Son of Sam level crazy - he talks to God.  

7:17 - Oh. my. goodness. And now Brandon has crapped the bed. He just took off his shirt and revealed that he is Russell's nephew. Because we all have tattoos on our body proclaiming our surnames right? Right?!? Can we revote on who the stupidest Survivor of all time is?!? If Brandon throws Coach under the bus for knowing his secret but not telling, he should be nominated for Reality Show Douche of the Year. Last year's winner was Ashley from The Bachelorette for what she did to runner up Ben, in case you were curious. Kasey and Vienna from The Bachelor Pad are the frontrunners so far this year but Brandon is gaining on them. 

7:18 - I love Stacey's reaction to Brandon's confession. "Blam" is all she says. Evidently she can only speak in the language of fire arms. I'm pretty sure "Pew pew" means "Excuse me, can you tell me the time?" And "Kaboom!" means she has to go to the bathroom.

7:19 - Remember when I said last week that Coach has turned a corner? Forget I said that. Coach is an idiot. He says he still trusts Brandon. Seriously!?! How can you! He lied during tribal. He confesses the worst things at the worst possible time. He has a conscience so guilty that unless he's in church with a Bible jammed up his rectum he feels he's doing something wrong. The guy has the mind of a 5-year old. Which, oh I don't know, just might be a liability on a show like Survivor. I guarantee you that if I bribed him a lollipop I could make him punch himself in the face as hard as he could. It's sad when a lingerie football player is the smartest person on your tribe.  

7:21 - Okay, I'm starting to sense a theme here - I call it Stupidity. Ozzy tells Keith, who he thinks he can trust, that he has the hidden immunity idol. Keith proceeds to tell Whitney, who seems surprised that Ozzie would have told him such a thing. Whitney and Keith think Ozzy is telling him because it's a power move. Little do they know, Ozzie is an idiot and only told Keith because he actually trusts him. So I guess this is the season that Survivor drafted players with an IQ under 100. Granted, I get that you have to have an extremely solid two-person alliance at some point, but it's pretty clear Ozzie (again) has no idea who is trustworthy or not. I'm sure this has worked out great in his relationships with women. 

7:23 - To quote Vince Lombardi, "What the hell is going on here?!?". Mikayla pulls Brandon aside to try and clear the air about why he has an issue with her and Brandon turns their conversation into a televised presidential debate by talking things out with his tribe around. Did this guy take "How to Make Yourself Look Like An Jerk on TV 101" at his local community college? Brandon's trying very hard to look like Mr. Transparency, but instead he's coming across as a total loon. I can't remember a Survivor meltdown this epic since Sue Hawk's Survivor All-Star throwdown where she practically spit in Jeff Probst's face. 

7:29 - Challenge time! It looks like there's water involved. Finally. They haven't had a swimming challenge in a long time. Maybe Brandon will have his mouth so full of water that he'll go 5 minutes without sticking his foot in it. 

Says Coach, "I've never heard a funnier anecdote. Now you tell one."

7:36 - And Coach's tribe wins immunity. I guess Brandon will have to live with seductress Mikayla for another three days. Because, as we all know, she's clearly got the hots for him. What lingerie model wouldn't be attracted to a short, chubby, insecure man with tattoos all over his body? 

7:42 - At Ozzy's tribe. Looks like it's between Cochran and Papa Bear. Sadly, at this point in the game neither one of them seems to have a move to make. This leads to Survivor rule #6 - If you're not in the majority, you are the minority. And like most minorities, you'll get screwed.

7:43 - 7:47 - Weird sequence here. The power group decides to get rid of Papa Bear, yet they tell him they're voting for Cochran. Papa (using his retired cop powers) has sniffed it out and knows they're full of it. He then proceeds to pretend he has the idol, despite Ozzie knowing for a fact that he doesn't. I give Papa Bear credit for creativity, but when you know you're toast, shouldn't you just bite the bullet?

7:48 - Tribal council time! 

7:50 - I understand Ozzy's allure, or any former Survivor's appeal, at least initially. If I was on a season and certain former Survivors were on it (Pavarti, Boston Rob, Amber) I'd be staring at them like a 7th grader stars at Justin Beiber in the lastet issue of Tiger Beat. But why don't these people think rationally and say to themselves, "Look, this guy had his shot. This is his third time, this is our first. Let's get him off now!" Granted, I wouldn't be the guy who brought the idea up because any former Survivor would instantly see me as a threat and vote me out, but I'd jump all over it if someone else did. 

7:53 - And Papa Bear goes. If there's not a major move soon, Jeff Probst's man crush on Cochran shall go unrequited. The dude just doesn't have the numbers. At this point it seems like it's only a matter of time before everyone's favorite verbose Harvard law student is gone. 

7:58 - Just saw the preview for next week's episode. Does Cochran finally make a move? If so, I'll be glad. Use that Harvard brain for something other than a doormat. It also seems like Brandon is getting closer to a meltdown, but they teased us that last week too so who knows. 

Final Thoughts - This was a bit of a weird episode. First of all, I broke my own personal records for Survivor quotes in running diary. And Brandon has got to be going soon, right? He's been getting so much air time I don't see how he could stick around. And Probst's man (nerd?) crush for Cochran may give away that next week is when he turns the corner from being an afterthought to being a major player. Maybe. Personally I'd love to see one of the returning Survivors get knocked out early anyway. As much as I don't like Christine's game, she was telling the truth about what most people were thinking - get rid of the former Survivors. I honestly don't think either Coach or Ozzy will win, but if I'm on there and on the chopping block, I'd have a good reason for me staying over a returnee. 


  1. Hahaha... good write up! Ya know what I love most about these "reality" shows? They're wonderful studies on just how delusional most sheeple have become.

    For example, this nugget from Christine: "I think my tribe was not ready for someone who wanted to play the game right out of the box." Um... nope. You played the game BADLY... on so many levels. YOU opened your mouth on the first day and painted a big ole target on your Nancy Grace (god that's scary!) looking maw. YOU looked for the idol like it was an Oprah giveaway prize, YOU made yourself a minority, and YOU got your ass voted out. Nothing more, nothing less.

    Brandon is 100% certifiably crazy. Scary crazy. And sadly, a lot of Bible Thumpers are like this, at least in so much as how they justify their daily walk with an omnipotent being (who I like to call the alien known as G.O.D.) we have no proof exists and whose sacred book was actually plagiarized from earlier texts. But I digress...

    Unless I missed it, Brandon's last name is spelled Hantz, not Hance. At least that's how his tat is spelled. Then again, we are talking about one crazy - and incredibly dim - S.O.B.

    Granted, I haven't watched every season of Survivor (enough though to recognize Ethan and Jenna, who are both on The Amazing Race at the moment), but Semhar has to be one of the mentally/physically weakest players in Survivor history. She and Brandon are neck and neck for crazies too. That blithering "spoken word" BS she spouted off before the challenge... WTF was that?!

    You know what they need to do to add a real "survivor" factor to the show? Whoever loses the challenge on Redemption Island should have to survive a swim through shark infested waters to get back home. Kill off the misfits before they can pollute the gene pool any further. Geezus...

  2. I'm sure you're right about the Hanz/Hantz/Hance spelling, but the guy could've been drunk when he got the tattoo and misspelled his own name. Wouldn't surprise me. I'll have to look it up.

    They do have some goofballs on this show but not nearly as much as some reality shows. But I suppose if a bunch of "normal" people were on it wouldn't make for very good TV. Throwing a nut job in the mix is entertaining. However, if I'm a regular guy and I overheard him talking about his constant "struggle between being good and evil" I'd be worried he'd choke me to death with his buff in my sleep if I ever made him mad.