Another Wednesday, another exciting episode of Survivor: South Pacific. Last week Papa Bear got the boot, which wasn't much of a surprise. In fact, we're three episodes in and we've really only seen one surprise, the emergence of Coach as General Patton. Where's the vengeful Dragon Slayer? Where's the tai chi? So far the most brazen thing Coach is done is flirt with a woman named Edna. Edna!
Instead, so far the star of the show has been Arkham Asylum escapee Brandon HANTZ (I looked it up on the CBS website so you guys can stop giving me crap about the spelling), who was recently diagnosed with hotchickphobia, a very rare disease among heterosexual males. The Hantzster also has the unique ability to talk to God. Yet so far that hasn't really helped him much.
Will Brandon finally lose it? Will Probst's mancrush Cochran finally grow a pair? What's the Vegas odds on Probst not wearing a blue shirt this week? 100:1? 1000:1?
Find out on this week's episode of...Survivor: South Pacific!
7:00 - Review from last week. Aside from her love of firearm noises, Stacey is a complete non-factor. People like her, who seem to be completely clueless, make me wonder why they even apply, let alone make it on the show.
7:02 - Ozzie and Elyse getting cozy in a hammock. There Ozzy goes, thinking with his junk again. I thought he and Keith were tight? If I was Keith I'd be worried about getting usurped. Although I freely admit that Elyse looks a lot more fun to snuggle with on those cold island nights.
7:04 - Love the dramatic morning shot of Russell...er...Brandon, who is regurgitating everything he's said all season. He apologizes to Mikayla and keeps talking about how the game is messing with him. I think I realize Brandon's problem, he's off his meds.
7:05 - Gah! Now Brandon is telling Edna she's not part of the core five. His duty to "be honest" is forcing him to tell her the truth. What an ass. Don't you love people who justify telling you crap to mess with your head by using the phrase "I just gotta be honest" as an excuse. I wish this worked in real life. Maybe then I could walk up to my boss and say, "No offense, but you're so short that it's hard to take you seriously. You remind me of a munchkin from The Wizard of Oz." I hope Coach sees what he's doing and karate kicks him in the face.
7:08 - Duel time. Christine vs Papa Bear! Or as I see it, Nancy Grace vs Harvey Fierstein! I dare you to tell me Christine and Papa Bear aren't their body doubles.
7:09 - I love how they call the place where they hold the duel, "the arena". Very Spartacus-esque. If they'd just oil up we might have something a bit more interesting to watch. Actually, forget I said that. An oiled up Christine and Papa Bear would make me vomit.
7:10 - Prior to the contest Brandon apologizes to Christine for the way he's played the game. Little Hantz's come-to-Jesus act is getting really old, really quick. I hope he goes this week, the dude has turned into an unpredictable wild card that can't be trusted. If Coach is smart (a big IF) he'll get rid of him now and have Edna take his place in his core five.
7:13 - And Christine wins a very close bean bag toss. Very appropriate challenge for two people of this age group, but somewhat boring.
7:16 - Stacey (a mortician who slurs her speech so bad that I can only understand the gun noises she makes) and Mikayla are getting annoyed with Edna. I just think they're being haters. They know they're on the outside looking in and are looking for anyone to target their frustration at. I guess the cute asian anesthesiologist with the goofy laugh who tries to get to know her tribemates is a good person to target.
7:20 - Immunity challenge time! It's the old "how much weight can you hold" chestnut. This challenge has been around FOREVER. I first remember seeing it during Survivor: Australia. It's a classic though, and unlike some challenges, I wouldn't mind if they did it every season.
7:27 - And Ozzie's tribe wins. Dawn pulled through at the end. I'm rooting for Dawn. She cried on the first episode of this season, but it looks like she's started to figure the game out a bit. Also, as a fellow 40-year old, I can't help but root for her.
7:30 - Looks like it's between Edna and Stacey. Stacey believes that her performance at the immunity challenge should save her over the weaker Edna and she certainly has a point, however, if I'm on the island I'll take loyalty over strength every time. That and Stacey's eyerolling shows she's not trustworthy.
7:33 - It's as easy to get into Brandon's head as it is to get into a bag of peanuts. Stacey managed to mess with him and put all sorts of doubt into his head by saying just two sentences. Coach tries to talk him off the ledge but he's resisting like a three-year old who's throwing a temper tantrum that doesn't want to get picked up. Yo Coach, kick this idiot to the curb. You'll still have numbers even after he's gone, get rid of his crazy ass!
7:36 - Tribal Council time! Over the course of the show Probst's shirts have gotten a progressively darker blue. Just in case you missed that.
7:38 - Brandon just referred to himself in the third person. I promise, PROMISE, that if I get on Survivor I will only refer to myself in the third person. As much as humanly possible. Now that will get me some air time!
7:39 - And here goes Brandon with his crocodile tears. I hate people who hide behind God. By the way, I think Brandon just broke the record for the most times a Survivor contestant has broken down into tears on a season, and this is only episode 4.
7:40 - Says Brandon during tribal, "I don't want to be misrepresented". No worries there pal, everyone in America is now well aware of your issues. There should be pictures of you in post offices and grocery stores warning people about you.
7:41 - Brandon's full of talk but little action. A guy who talks as much as this guy about redemption doesn't actually do it, he just tells you about it. He doesn't have a responsible bone in his body. I'm looking forward to the reunion show where he blames editing for the way he was portrayed.
7:42 - And Stacey goes. Coach goes in for a hug on her way out and he blows him off like Adrian Peterson on an approaching linebacker. I'm glad she's gone, Stacey is about as likeable as a football to the groin. Kind of like that ass of an uncle you have to put up with at family get-togethers, but you can't understand a word she says. At least BFFs Christine and Stacey will get to eliminate one other, that should provide some sweet irony.
Final thoughts - A somewhat subdued episode, but not bad overall. This is what I'd call a foreshadowing episode. No real surprises happened this week, but you just might get a hint of some things to come. The Elyse/Ozzie relationship is going to cause some problems. Brandon has to go sooner rather than later. The Denver Jim/Cochrane pairing could possibly make some noise. As for Christine/Stacey, they are complete non-factors. They'll get some camera time over the next few weeks, but in reality they're just annoying bittermen. In all honesty, they have no right to be upset about anything. Neither one of them played the game worth a damn, so they both deserve to go.
Well, that's if for now. See you all next week!