Another Wednesday, another night of Survivor: South Pacific. No long Jeff Probst advertisement or TV shows to recommend this week. Let's get to it!
7:04 - Whoa, this episode gets straight to business as this week's duel starts early. Could a merge happen already? Maybe. Catherine and Mikayla are about to go at it. I'm rooting for Mikayla but if it requires any kind of intellect, she's not going to make it. Maybe I'm being shallow, but I just don't think models are that bright. There's something about people who wear skimpy clothing in front of total strangers that screams "Low IQ", "I was abused as a child", or "I'll do anything for money".
7:06 - Christine looks like a German lady from Munich with her gray socks and sandals. I bet she makes a great schnitzel. I'm also certain that her middle name is Christine and her first name is actually Heidi and she cross country skis and plays an accordion in her spare time.
7:07 - And Christine wins in a surprisingly close competition. Mikayla, whose hotness has disappointingly slipped will now disappear into obscurity as just another pretty face in Survivor lore. In fact, I'm already starting to forget what she looks like. Aside from Pavarti and Amanda, has any attractive female Survivor ever made a lasting impression?
7:07-7:12 - If there's one thing CBS knows how to do it's pimp the hell out of themselves. I swear I just watched commercials for 27 CBS programs (20 of them were CSIs) during the break. I guess no one is buying ad time during Survivor anymore.
7:14 - Ozzy and Count Cochrane (tell me he doesn't look silly with his collar up like a 1980s Anthony Michael Hall) talk strategy and are considering the possibility of sending the Ozman into exile to knock out Christine and keep the numbers of each tribe even going into a merge. This could be the stupidest Survivor move I've ever heard of, right after Lexx trusting Boston Rob in Survivor All-Stars.
If I'm Ozzy I PRAY she wins out, that way I can swing her to me. Somebody had to have seen her flip her ex-tribemates off. Why would anyone think that someone who got voted out would want to go back to their own tribe?!!? If Coach said this, it would sort of be a clever play because Christine seems hell bent on revenge. But for Ozzy to propose this is flat out stupid.
7:15 - Panoramic shot of Coach praying to his "father". I GUARANTEE you he does this just for show. Oh wait, someone in editing just threw in an eagle cry. No freaking joke. When will we get a "Waa waa waa" for Brandon when he says something stupid?
7:17 - I have a problem with Coach leading his tribe on a useless search for an idol he already has. It's just poor form. If people want to look for it, fine. But to make up some prayer and BS to build up fake team unity just seems wrong.
7:19 - Odd tree mail exchange where Coach and Sophie learn about dressing up for the challenge and for some strange reason decide its time to announce that they have the idol, as if its community property. When, in the history of Survivor, has it ever been a good idea to let everyone know you have it? And naive Brandon believes God had something to so with it. I'd be shocked if he doesn't stab Coach in the neck during the reunion show for pulling the wool over his eyes in such a malicious way.
7:20 - Says Brandon, "Its definitely an advantage having the man upstairs on your tribe". Either he's talking about Mark Burnett or God. Sign #37 that Brandon is crazy, he believes God gives a crap about a reality TV show. I'm pretty sure he's got slightly bigger problems to work out - like fulfilling my request for an iPad 2 and a Gran Torino with a Starsky & Hutch paint job. Both those things are hard to find.
7:22 - Immunity/Reward Challenge! Shameless plug from some lame Adam Sandler movie. Looks like blindfolds are involved, which usually leads to some funny shots of people running into things. I don't really mind product placement in Survivor. In all honesty, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often.
7:25 - Coach breaks into prayer during the challenge. He's turning into the Survivor version of Tim Tebow.
7:27 - And Coach's tribe wins, followed by Coach leading the tribe in a group prayer. Come on! I have to agree with what Sophie said earlier. All this religiousness by Coach rings completely hollow. When did he find Jesus? When he was searching for the hidden immunity idol?
7:29 - Ozzy melts down after being probed by Probst post challenge. He's pissed and is throwing the blame entirely on Cochran's shoulders. Probsts running commentary during the challenge didn't help, but it's hard to blame this all on Cochran. It's a pretty safe bet at this point that the whole "send Ozzy to Redemption Island to knock out Christine" plan is out the window. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.
7:34 - Coach and his tribe at reward watching Adam Sandler's Jack & Jill. Sandler in drag AND Katie Holmes? No thank you. Maybe in 1999 I'd be interested but not now.
7:37 - Ozzy will not let go of putting all the blame on Cochrane and is coming off like a complete douche. Then, after talking everyone else into the idea, Ozzy proceeds to pump Cochran's ego up about how well he will do against Christine at Redemption.
WTF?!? How did we end up here?!? Granted, part of this is Cochran's own fault, he should have had enough backbone to stand up to Ozzy and called him out on his own idea for going into RI himself. Why take any crap from someone who has turned out to be emotionally unstable? That said, I have to give credit to the Ozster for completely messing with Cochrane's mind and avoiding ANY kind of blame or responsibility himself. It was somewhat clever how he pulled it off, albeit in a conniving, psychotic, I've-completely-lost-all-respect-for-you kind of way.
7:43 - Okay, Ozzy is clearly off his crazy pills. After having some weird dreams Ozzy shows everyone his idol and throws out the idea that HE should be the one to be sent to Redemption to knock Christine out. WHAT A FRICKIN IDIOT! Depending on how this turns out, Ozzy runs the risk of turning into the stupidest Survivor in history. It makes no sense to make this move. Ozzy has no game, lacks the ability to think strategically, and is just an overall crappy player. Either he wants to be the hero, or he wants everyone on his tribe (except Cochran) to show how badly they need him by not voting him out. If it was me? I'd send him to Redemption. This is a complete Drama King move. Give him what he thinks he wants.
7:47 - Tribal council time!
7:49 - Ozzy talks about his dream and proceeds to tell some convoluted story about why it completely makes sense for him to be voted out. Probst brilliantly counters with "Let me offer another argument. If you don't win the duel tomorrow, you go out a bigger fool than you did last time." This is why I love Jeff Probst. He throws stuff out there that the malnutritioned, sunbaked, slightly out of their minds contestants don't really think about. It's like he's talking to a bunch of drunk people who seriously think it's a good idea to jump off the fourth floor of a hotel balcony into the swimming pool below. You never, EVER, voluntarily ask to leave the game. Under any circumstances.
7:51 - Time to vote! I hope Ozzy goes, but I think his much more rational tribemates prevent it.
7:53 - And Ozzy gets voted out. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID.
Final Thoughts - Okay, let's examine Ozzy's move. At best, he defeats Christine, beats whoever else comes into Redemption (if anyone) and makes it back into the game with his tribe at a merge with even numbers. It turns into a fascinating plot point for this season but one that didn't necessarily have to happen because it's not clear that Christine would have gone back to her old tribe. In fact, it appears that she'd be more than ready to flip. Worst case scenario for Ozzy's tribe - Christine knocks out Ozzy, rejoins her tribe, Coach Jedi mind tricks her into joining his growing cult, and they wipe out Ozzy's old tribe. Worst case scenario that makes Ozzy look like a complete idiot - Christine knocks out Ozzy, joins his tribe because she hates Coach with a passion usually only reserved for ex-spouses, and she ends up losing to Cochrane in the final. Even in a best case scenario, this doesn't really turn out that well for Ozzy...Isn't it funny how over the course of the show how some people become MORE attractive? Dawn is looking cuter every episode. Just sayin!... Cochrane's luck is proof that sometimes all you have to do is be patient. People on this show constantly screw themselves over without any help from anyone else. Ozzy is the most recent obvious example.